When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to change into a full-time father till he turned 5. I used to be so severe about this dedication that I bought our largest rental property to unencumber time. This property was purported to be our crown jewel for my spouse and my retirement plans. Nevertheless, one thing needed to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the identical promise to stay a full-time father till she turned 5. Hooray for equality! That point is quickly coming as she lastly begins full-time college in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I needed to mirror on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
However first, some clarification on the distinction between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Half-Time Fatherhood
Initially, fathers will all the time be fathers, it doesn’t matter what. Nevertheless, similar to with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There’s a spectrum of how we allocate our time to numerous obligations.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends extra time taking good care of his youngsters than he does on his job or different actions, even by only one hour. For instance, if a father spends 40 hours every week taking good care of his three-year-old and 20 hours every week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he’s a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours every week between fatherhood and aspect hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a dad who spends extra time on his job or different actions than on taking good care of his youngsters. He may work 40 hours every week at an workplace job after which spend 2 hours together with his youngsters after work and 15 hours every week with them on the weekend, for a complete of 30 hours every week of kid time. That is a protracted 70 hours every week of labor and childcare for this dad!
Each Sorts Of Fathers Can Be Nice
Based mostly on these two examples, it is clear each fathers are doing a number of work to care for his or her youngsters and earn earnings. All fathers have what’s referred to as a Supplier’s Clock, the place they’re conditioned to supply to various levels.
It is usually clear that being a part-time father is just not a detrimental. Most dads work full-time to handle their household. In the meantime, spending 20 to 30 hours every week with their youngsters is rather more than the common dad in America spends together with his youngsters every week (~10 hours).
Clearly, in case you’re a bodily and mentally ready father who does not work a lot and does not spend time together with your youngsters, that may in all probability be considered negatively. Nevertheless, I do not consider any father studying this web site would select to shirk each work and childcare obligations.
If you select to be a father, you additionally select to tackle the huge duty of fatherhood. On the very least, all fathers will select to go all-in on their work at the price of spending time with their youngsters, or go all-in on childcare at the price of creating wealth. The previous could engender dad guilt as the daddy tries to seek out a perfect stability.
Major Aim: To Give Males Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I do know there are males on the market who’ve thought-about being full-time fathers however are nervous in regards to the transition as a result of monetary worries and societal judgment. My objective is to offer males permission and confidence to be full-time fathers in the event that they need to.
Simply have a look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that reveals solely about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads in comparison with about 23% of girls who’re stay-at-home moms.
I am constructive if fathers felt much less monetary stress to supply and society was extra accepting of full-time fathers, the proportion could be a lot nearer to the proportion of girls who’re full-time moms.
Be Who You Need To Be To Really feel Entire
Occasions are altering, with extra girls attending faculty than males and extra girls incomes larger salaries than males. But, partly due to the male ego, the variety of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Males nonetheless really feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the toughest job on the earth.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see males who proclaim FIRE (Monetary Independence, Retire Early) however by no means point out their working wives who present earnings, retirement advantages, and well being advantages. There may be additionally an incredible worry of letting their wives cease working, given the monetary implications.
Pretending to be one thing you are not is a tragic solution to reside. With the ability to communicate your thoughts and be who you need to be are among the strongest advantages of monetary independence. This freedom to reside one’s true self can also be among the finest causes for dwelling in San Francisco, the place there’s a larger acceptance of individuals of every type.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any present or future fathers contemplating staying at house to boost their youngsters, let me share some perspective on the way you may really feel as a full-time father throughout the first three years of your kid’s life.
I exploit the three-year mark as a result of most households have the choice of sending their youngsters to preschool by then, though daycare can also be a standard childcare possibility.
For many daycare facilities, infants can begin as younger as six weeks. Nevertheless, extra time permits for the institution of a safe attachment together with your baby, full therapeutic of the umbilical twine, determining feeding and sleep patterns, growing a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a brand new life collectively.
1) There is no such thing as a more durable job than full-time parenthood
In the event you’re a brand new dad, the challenges might be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper adjustments to burping, napping, and fixed dishwashing, elevating a child retains you busy. The primary 12 months may additionally be sleep-deprived as your baby wakes up each two to 4 hours.
After I labored in banking, the hours had been lengthy and the stress was immense. Nevertheless, there have been all the time breaks the place I may unwind over espresso, a meal, or a enterprise journey. Attending conferences abroad was a lot enjoyable! Regardless of working ~60 hours every week, that also left 108 hours to sleep and do no matter.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can usually attain 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours every week throughout the preliminary years. You may attempt to nap when your baby is sleeping, however there is no such thing as a assure you’ll sleep.
In the meantime, the price of wanting away for greater than three seconds may lead to harm or worse on your baby. From the paranoia of Sudden Toddler Loss of life Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a desk’s sharp edge, the stakes are a lot larger for a full-time guardian if they are not doing their job.
If I miss a telephone name from a big shopper, no huge deal. I can all the time name my shopper again or e-mail them. However there won’t be any method again in case you look away from a baby.
Put together on your limits to be examined repeatedly
If you wish to be a full-time father, you need to mentally and bodily put together for the final word problem. Learn as many books as you possibly can about parenthood. Be taught parenting strategies that require endurance, understanding, and love. Get in one of the best form of your life to maintain up together with your youngsters’s countless power.
The primary three years will push you to your limits. We’re speaking doubtlessly 6 am – 9:30 pm virtually day-after-day. You’ll hear screaming, crying, and whining a number of instances a day for over 1,000 days in a row. In consequence, your nerves will fry. Get noise-canceling headphones that will help you survive your days!
2) You’ll have a more durable time becoming in and feeling welcome
If you take your baby to the playground on weekdays, you’ll doubtless be the one dad amongst a majority of mothers and nannies. Based mostly on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the first caregivers are mothers, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the ladies are chatting about feeding and and different childcare matters, you’ll doubtless not be included. Therefore, you’ll have to make an effort to get to know the opposite mothers, nannies, and au pairs in case you’re seeking to make associates. As your child grows older, you may see them frequently as a result of weekly courses. Therefore, it would be good to get to know them considerably.
In the event you attend any Dad’s Night time Out occasions, you might also really feel embarrassed initially. Whereas different dads talk about their careers and enterprise journeys, speaking about your day together with your youngsters may really feel awkward. Regardless of altering gender roles, there’s an ongoing machismo amongst dads which will make you’re feeling uncomfortable.
You may both lean into your full-time fatherhood function or point out different work endeavors you might be pursuing. As a father, you possibly can’t speak about enjoying pickleball all day, as some mothers proudly do. As a substitute, you need to talk about some exercise that gives worth to society and earns cash.
Took some time to be snug proudly owning my standing as a stay-at-home dad
For me, as soon as my son began attending preschool full-time at age 4 in 2021, I informed folks I used to be a author since I used to be engaged on Purchase This, Not That. I may have stated I used to be a full-time father, however I didn’t partly as a result of I needed to higher slot in. I additionally did not need to make dads really feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Fortunately, after a few 12 months of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will develop. As a substitute of feeling misplaced, you may embrace your function as a main caregiver extra strongly. As you wait on your confidence to develop, be pleased with your standing as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a weak baby is a noble factor to do.
3) You will lengthy to return to work for a break from full-time fatherhood
With no direct earnings coming in on your labor as a full-time father, you might really feel extra harassed at instances, particularly in case your spouse does not earn a lot or does not work.
In consequence, you may incessantly ask your self when it’s best to return to work. You will do the maths concerning the price of daycare/preschool versus the price of not working in your profession.
The temptation to earn while you’re nonetheless comparatively younger will doubtless overwhelm your need to stay a full-time father, so you’ll doubtless transition to part-time fatherhood as soon as your baby turns three.
At three years outdated, you might gleefully or reluctantly begin sending your child to preschool full-time. In the event you solely have one baby, you’ll then really feel a powerful duty to return to work and earn once more, even when your spouse is working.
Nevertheless, in case you have a number of youngsters, you’ll naturally need to supply the identical quantity of childcare as you probably did on your first baby, if attainable. Therefore, with two youngsters, you might find yourself gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three youngsters, your full-time fatherhood function could prolong to 9 years.
After 9 years of being a full-time father, you’ll have a troublesome time going again to work that pays you an identical wage to the one you left.
4) You’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient as a full-time father
One of the crucial irritating issues about full-time fatherhood is that regardless of how a lot you do, you’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient. I am positive full-time moms really feel the identical method, as there may be an countless quantity of offering to do.
For the primary two years of your kid’s life, you might really feel like second fiddle to their mom. This can be true regardless of how a lot time you spend with them. There’s one thing about rising a baby in your womb for 9 months and birthing a baby that creates an unbreakable bond between mom and baby.
You will really feel daggers in your coronary heart when your youngsters select to play with their mom over you. The extra time you spend together with your youngsters, the extra the rejection will damage.
Fortunately, after our children turned three-and-a-half, there was extra of a stability of affection. So for full-time fathers on the market who really feel unloved every now and then, preserve the religion that issues will get higher.
Your spouse or accomplice will not all the time really feel reduction or happiness
In your distinctive scenario as a full-time father, you might usually really feel such as you’re doing greater than your fair proportion of childcare in comparison with different fathers. In consequence, you may anticipate your spouse or accomplice to really feel happier and fewer harassed than different moms.
Sadly, your spouse or accomplice will nonetheless really feel sad or harassed every now and then as a result of there are countless childcare duties she additionally must deal with. If she additionally has a full-time job, her stress will persist because it’s exhausting to not deliver work house. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out since you hoped to alleviate her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Moreover, your spouse or accomplice could solely know what it is wish to have a full-time father as a husband or accomplice and nothing else. Due to this fact, she could not respect your efforts as a lot as you anticipate, resulting in mismatched expectations and potential battle.
Full-time fathers should decrease their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a responsibility that does not deserve particular recognition. In any case, they selected to be a father.
Extra importantly, full-time fathers could persistently overestimate how a lot they really do. This overestimation of care was my greatest blind spot as a father.
Regardless of being a stay-at-home dad, my spouse nonetheless does far more than I do. I’ve the luxurious of not having to deal with nights, which is a blessing as a result of our children are horrible sleepers. After I need to nap after lunch, I can, as a result of my spouse is all the time house. Moreover, we had the great assist of Silvia, our au pair, throughout the pandemic.
5) Witnessing your kid’s milestones will make your efforts really feel price it
At this level, you may assume being a full-time father seems like an excessive amount of work. Fortunately, witnessing all of your kid’s improvement milestones is the best return of all.
You’ll witness every little thing out of your child’s first babble to their first rollover. Wonderful! Then, round eight months outdated, you may be so proud when your baby lastly sits up on their very own. At round ten months outdated, nothing can be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the primary time. After which, once they stand at across the one-year mark and begin cruising alongside the couch, you’ll have the largest proud dad second ever.
Every milestone you witness will erase all of your doubts about giving up your profession and earnings. After about ten periods of making an attempt to show my son learn how to bike, listening to him scream with pleasure, “I can do it!” was priceless. The quantity of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was price greater than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Avenue.
Now think about throughout bedtime when your baby, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I like you.” That is once you really feel full.
If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father, Attempt It Out
Embracing the function of a full-time father comes with its fair proportion of challenges, however you may doubtless discover it a rewarding determination.
Sure, your loved ones will in all probability have much less cash with one much less working accomplice. I gave up many earnings alternatives to remain at house. On the similar time, I discovered methods to generate supplemental earnings via Monetary Samurai and my books. You’ll rationally discover a solution to earn on the aspect as properly if you wish to.
For older mother and father, turning into a full-time father can also be an effective way to make up for misplaced time. One among my greatest regrets was having youngsters late. By spending extra time with them earlier than they go away the home, you possibly can compensate on your late begin.
Someday round ages 10-12, you may not be their superhero as they will choose to spend time with associates. Due to this fact, you might have about 10-12 years to be a full-time father earlier than this chance fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
In the event you resolve throughout your journey that full-time fatherhood is just not for you, you possibly can all the time transition again to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to 3 years is not too lengthy, contemplating that many workers return to graduate college for 2 years and infrequently come again with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset additionally gave me the braveness to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement did not go well with me or if I wanted the earnings, I may have simply discovered one other job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting alternatives, you possibly can step by step shift extra of your waking hours towards work and fewer towards childcare as your youngsters get older.
As an illustration, as soon as my daughter began attending preschool three days every week in fall 2023, I devoted extra time to writing for Monetary Samurai and finishing my second guide with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Sadly, you might be unlikely to really feel happier as a full-time father because of the quantity of labor, stress, second-guessing, and endurance concerned! Nevertheless, as soon as your youngsters attend college full-time, you’ll really feel glad realizing you tried your greatest.
As well as, how cool it’s that your spouse can by no means criticize you for not being there for the youngsters or doing sufficient across the family for the remainder of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our youngsters will in the future go off on their very own, leaving us to ponder how shortly time flew by. Hopefully, in the future as adults, they will respect their childhoods and on a regular basis we spent with them. When that day comes, you may notice all of your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Half-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I have to fill the 40-hour void with extra productive work. Roughly 15 hours every week can be devoted to writing for Monetary Samurai, and 5 hours can be put aside for my sports activities hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours every week to generate lively earnings.
This lively earnings is essential to complement my passive funding earnings and canopy my shortfall in desired dwelling bills. It additionally serves to resume my sense of function now that my fatherhood obligations have lessened.
Earlier this 12 months, I experimented with part-time consulting, nevertheless it did not work out as deliberate. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this expertise has supplied me with worthwhile insights into what to hunt as soon as I’ve extra free time.
To all the boys on the market aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don’t fret about societal judgments. Finally, observe your coronary heart and pursue what holds true that means for you. Your youngsters will develop up sooner than !
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there every other full-time fathers on the market? In the event you’re at the moment a part-time father, have you ever ever thought of transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What’s holding you again?
How do you reconcile the truth that by the point you may need to be a full-time father, your youngsters could already be at school full-time and extra fascinated about spending time with associates?
Do you assume there’s a greater hybrid strategy for fathers to stability childcare and earnings era successfully?
Suggestion If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father
In the event you’re seeking to change into a full-time father, attempt to get laid off with a severance package deal as an alternative of quitting your job. This fashion, you may have a monetary runway to be a full-time father with out as a lot monetary anxiousness.
My bestselling guide, How To Engineer Your Layoff, teaches you learn how to break away from a job you not like with a severance package deal. Use the code “saveten” at checkout to save lots of $10.
To expedite your journey to monetary freedom, be a part of over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Monetary Samurai publication. Monetary Samurai is among the many largest independently-owned private finance web sites, established in 2009.
