I by no means really feel as lonely as I do on Eid day.
The loneliness started across the age of 19. I used to be relationship my now husband, Jack, and no person knew besides my mum. She wasn’t eager on the thought — I believe she hoped it’d be a section. A white boy section. Because the first-born little one of all the prolonged household, it was as much as me to set the “proper” instance: Marry a superb, Muslim man with a stable job and a good household.
Eid actually means “feast” or “pageant” and is a day for Muslims world wide to rejoice. It’s a bit like Christmas for Muslims, besides we have now two of them: Eid al-Fitr, to mark the tip of our holy month, Ramadan, and Eid al-Adha (which is that this Sunday), to commemorate the sacrifice of the prophet Abraham. I used to like every part about Eid: the getting-ready course of with my mum, sitting on her mattress and inhaling the plumes of hairspray and fragrance; ready for Dad to carry us roses after his morning journey to the mosque; baking a whole bunch of desserts and handing them out to the neighborhood; scoffing sirkumu (a scrumptious concoction of butter, milk, cardamom, sugar, saffron, almonds, vermicelli, pistachios, and dates) for breakfast. Now, all of it made me really feel a little bit empty inside.
So, I used to be 19 and decked out in a baby-pink salwar kameez and bangles. Henna snaked round my arms and wrists. A barbecue was scorching within the backyard. Cousins had been screaming fortunately on the grass. Biryani was served by the ladleful. My grandma was handing out tenners (or “Eidi”) in vibrant envelopes. Everybody disappeared to wish when the adhaan known as over the radio, and me? I used to be tactically within the bathroom. I used to be already falling out of affection with Islam, or at the least my household’s model of it.
To this present day (I’m virtually 27), I’ve by no means willingly eaten something haram or drunk alcohol. However I don’t cowl my hair, I not often pray, I put on a bikini on the seaside and I’ve a canine. Gasp. My relationship with Allah is my very own, and I’m okay with that.
However on that Eid day, I used to be nonetheless figuring myself out. I’d left residence a yr or so earlier than and the transition between strict, conventional Muslim life and determining my very own relationship with Islam was jarring. And lonely. Right here I used to be, surrounded by laughter and pleasure, witnessing {couples} and households collectively, whereas an enormous a part of my very own life was shrouded in secrecy. I used to be totally in love with Jack already and I knew we’d get married and be collectively ceaselessly. He was variety, affected person, charming, and intelligent. Our values aligned and our existence matched. He didn’t drink a lot and he didn’t care that I needed to abstain from intercourse. But I couldn’t inform my household. I couldn’t share my extremely wealthy tradition with him, and I couldn’t share him with them. I needed nothing greater than to be in that second, with my household, of their backyard, with Jack in tow.
“So, when are you getting married?” An aunt minimize via my ideas in jest. It didn’t really feel like a jest. “Abu over there’s a nice match. He’s a paleontologist, you recognize! And he has an amazing automobile. You need to converse to him. Why aren’t you chatting with him?”
I’ve a white boyfriend. He’s wonderful. He would like to be right here. I really like a white boy. I’m screwed.
I smiled and laughed and ate my crisps. On the automobile trip residence, I requested my mum if she may ask everybody to cease asking me questions on marriage and suitors. “Nicely, in case you weren’t so blinded by this silly white boy, possibly you’ll take into account these folks!” she snapped. We drove the remainder of the way in which residence in silence, me with tears in my eyes.
I’d identical to to say right here that I really like my mum lots. She’s unbelievable. She’s not a foul particular person for believing one thing she’s been advised her complete life. Faith and tradition is sophisticated. She is first-generation born British. Her dad and mom grew up in India earlier than shifting to the UK. Her first language wasn’t English. She spent a whole lot of her childhood serving to my grandparents acclimate to life in England. She additionally spent a few years in India whereas she was nonetheless in school. She spent the remainder of her time inside a tightly knit Muslim neighborhood in Coventry. Her upbringing was completely completely different from mine and her views are a results of that.
The following few years after that Eid had been lonelier than ever. Issues with my household had been fractured after I finally advised them about Jack. I’d ignore the subsequent couple of Eids altogether — they had been a painful reminder of how good issues with my household was, and the way unhealthy they had been now. But I yearned to reconnect with each my household and my tradition. I didn’t wish to lose that aspect of me however I had no approach again. I wasn’t pals with many South Asians, not to mention South Asian Muslims, and I didn’t know the place to search out them. In addition to, what would I say? “Hello, I’m Humeara and I’m actually battling my identification proper now however I can’t go to my household for assist. Can I spend time with yours? Can we do our mendhi collectively? Can I hug your mum? Can I spend Eid together with your Indian household? Please?”
I’d inform Jack about how Eid was and he’d strive his finest. “We will make our personal traditions as a household,” he’d say, giving me a kiss on the top. “It’ll be okay.”
Ultimately that’s what we did. We might collect our pals and go for dinner in an effort to recreate that sense of household and pleasure however it simply wasn’t the identical. I felt like I used to be in a film, watching every part in sluggish movement whereas sounds performed as in the event that they had been underwater. Everybody round me was glad however I felt separate and misplaced. I needed to be at residence with my household however I additionally needed to be with Jack, who by this level was an excellent larger a part of my life, having been my solely household for a number of years.
It haunted me that Jack would by no means get to expertise a basic Eid day. Even when issues bought higher with my household (and so they did), every part felt ruined. How may he ever really feel snug with them and them with him? And with each Eid that passes, I’m solely reminded of this. I’m reminded of our variations. Jack and I are so completely different. And me? I’m damaged now. I’m not “brown sufficient” for my household — I’m the resident “coconut” — however I’m not “white sufficient” both. I’m caught in limbo and I wish to get out. I simply wish to belong once more.
More often than not, I really feel fairly assured and pleased with my life decisions and my interracial relationship however Eid highlights the tougher nuances of this. Now, I really feel extra snug and relaxed on Christmas Day (Jack’s household has at all times handled me as considered one of their very own and I used to be welcomed instantly into the fold with gusto), and I really feel responsible for it.
I really feel responsible that I’m not as Indian and Muslim as I as soon as was — however on the similar time I don’t actually wish to be, I believe. I wish to be accepted as I’m. I want I may return in time and someway get my household to simply accept me as I used to be at 19 in order that I wouldn’t must expertise such heartbreak. Realistically, after all, even when I may return in time, nothing can be completely different. I really like Jack, even when our relationship will at all times be tinged with a touch of unhappiness and mourning.
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